Vicodin, Porcelain Tears and crying girls. 1

Today’s title sounds like a great title for a teenage novel! Throw in a sparkly vampire and some faggy werewolves and you got yourself an international hit! Wait, fuck, that’s already been done.

Would you like an update on what I’ve been up to recently? Sure you would! You care SO MUCH.

Well yesterday after work I went to the dentist. They stabbed my my jaw, TWICE, with this magical numbing thingy. Not to say it worked well, but the entire left side of my lower jaw had ZERO feeling. It’s pretty awesome. My front left tooth and gum had NO FEELING and the one right next to it felt normal. I know I know, everyone has been to the dentist and felt this but it’s still FREAKIN’ COOL!

After I was all numbed up, drooling (sadly not over a hot girl, but because I couldn’t stop it) and talking like Stallone from Rocky, they threw me into the chair, strapped me down and pulled out tools that are only fit for medieval torture and twisted sex games. Somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream, and nothing and no one will ever take that away. (Bonus points to who ever can post a comment and tell me where that last sentence comes from) Luckily I was so numb that I really felt nothing but the pressure of my head being tossed around and my mouth being open wide enough for Shaq.

Then the doctor got out the sledge hammer, power drill, chainsaw and one of those things that break up cement, the name of which escapes me. Oh yeah, it’s a JACK HAMMER. What a funny name for a tool. Now is it a Hammer that JACKS or a JACK that HAMMERS? HMM???

Anyway, they hammered, and jacked, and drilled and chainsawed my tooth away. Pretty sure I was bleeding like a virgin hooker up in there, but I couldn’t really feel anything. As my blood splattered the walls, three nurses fainted from the horror, while the doctor kept screaming for more tools to wrench down this rugged tooth and pummel it into submission.

The three nurses on the floor woke up just into to see the doctor throw the chainsaw into the wall and demand his LASER GUN.

HIS WHAT?!?! you say. His mother fuckin’ laser gun. Straight out of some bad sci-fi horror flick. He stands back and takes aim at the tooth, then shoots! He misses! Nurse one is down! Her name was Nancy, she was a nice woman, but it’s for the best that she was shot, because she was stealing millions from the doctor. I think secretly the doctor knew this and missed on purpose. It doesn’t matter now, the rabid clean up bunnies will dispose of her body now. Did I fail to mention there were rabid bunnies cleaning up the blood earlier? Well there were, and now they’ve disposed of the body.

The doctor shoots some more, grazing the tooth, slicing off chunks of my gum line. If I had any feeling, this would probably hurt like shit, but all I felt was this odd feeling I was soon going to be pant-less. I tend to get pant-less when “this shit gets real”.

Fifteen minutes of laser blasting my face the doctor stops, looks at me and says “I think we got it! Now let’s fix it!”

The doctor looks at the two surviving nurses and tells them “Well girls, he’s all yours now. His life is in your hands. Nurse number three?”

“It’s Jackie!”

“I said, nurse number three, stop taking his pants off. He’s married and has a small winky.”

I would have argued with him, but I was numb and couldn’t talk. And I don’t want to be a liar.

“Girls, patch him up, we’ve done what we can.”

“Yes doctor,” they say in unison.

The nurses then put on a temporary crown on the tooth that was just re-shaped by awesomness, gave me a prescription for Vicodin, and sent me on my way.

And that is how I got my temporary crown put on my back left molar.

I should also note that drinking milk while half your face is numb is very strange. This is because half your mouth thinks it’s cold, the other half thinks it’s warm.

Until next time!



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