Today I’m taking a step.

I’m long overdue but today the step was taken. I did not take it alone, my wife helped me get there.

I have a lot going on in my life. I’ve had a lot happen in the past. None of it I ever talk about. All of it I hold inside until I just explode. I always saw it as a sign of weakness in myself to have to talk about anything. I have always thought others where not weak, they where strong to take that step and talk about what is on their mind, but in myself it was weakness. I should be strong enough emotionally to handle anything. Nothing should put me over the edge.

This is where I am wrong.

I don’t know if what I’m doing will help the situation, but being able to admit that I need help and seek it out is a great start.

I can’t feel like this anymore. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated ALL the time. For months now I hear from people at work that I’m quick to argue or to snap back. That I’m acting “differently”. They are right, I am. Everything all rolled up is making me an emotional ball of mess that’s fucking me up mentally more than I want to let on.

At home I snap at my wife, my kids, the dog. None of them deserve it.

My wife is an amazing person and I love her dearly. I feel my actions over the last year has pushed her away. She tells me it hasn’t at all, but part of me thinks she is trying to make me feel better.

I have recently come to realize how much everything weighs down on me and how unhappy I am with myself. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m 32 years old, I weigh 284lbs and I generally hate myself on a daily basis for a lot of things.

I used to use this blog to vent and get my feelings out, I’m going to do that again. If you don’t want to hear it, don’t read it.

The step I am taking is I am going to therapy to talk about why I am this way and what I can do to make things better. This is no ones fault but my own. No one put me like this, I did it to myself. Now I need to fix it so I can be the best husband and father that my wife and kids need.

Those of you who read this, thank you and I welcome your comments. Those of you who don’t, well you won’t read this line anyway.

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