First, there’s the subject of me and Sarah. This one I know a lot of you actually care about, but I’m hoping is far enough down the post that you will have gotten bored and stopped reading. I know, I’m a clever bastard. Here are some answers to questions you might be asking.
Do I like Sarah? Yes.
More then a friend? Yes.
Then why the fuck are you not dating her? I’m unsure. I think it’s for fear of it actually working and being good, then she moves away to Seattle and it fizzles away. It sucks. I do think that’s one of the main reasons we are still not together. I think she thinks the same, but she told me she doesn’t care that she is moving. I feel as if I am dragging this shit out and hurting her feelings in some way. Then again I also think that by even thinking that I’m putting myself on a pedestal and think I’m more important then I actually am to her, or anyone.
I also fear the redundancy of relationships. As Dylan put it in his post a day ago or so(I lose days working Graveyard, it’s weird) the first time its so new, so special. But every time after it’s “Well I’ve heard this shit before” and it is really hard to take it seriously or believe the lines you are getting fed and that you are feeding the other person. One can only hear so many empty ‘I Love you’, ‘we will be together forever’ yadda yadda before you really just think to yourself ‘yeah, ok whatever’. Don’t get m wrong I DO believe in real love, that it CAN mean something again. It’s just the whole courtship nonsense is so tedious and I fucking hate it. I just want to skip ahead and be ‘cool’ in a relationship, where you know your boundaries with your mate, and then you push them daily. Then again sometimes I think to myself “fuck it, fuck your beliefs, just go get laid” and it gets really hard to fight that thought sometimes. Those who know me know that I have succumbed to it twice in the last 3 years, and wish I hadn’t.
I also feel that I tend to make myself a martyr sometimes, on the subject of love. Like in my relationship with Ashley for example. I feel that sometimes I use that to pretend that I’m a damaged person. I may be, but I really could give a shit less about her or that entire relationship anymore. I’ve felt this way for a long time about it really. She hurt me beyond belief. When I was NINETEEN. That’s ancient fucking history now. I know I learned from it and the “pain” there was in me from her has long gone away. The only reminisce of it that is left is what I learned from it and what I will and won’t do in the future. If anything it made me a better person to go through it, but I need to just grow the fuck up and stop pretending it still means anything at all. Most of you don’t know this but I still have a small blue briefcase in my room with EVERY note she EVER wrote me in high school. It also contains most of the things she ever gave me, at least those that would fit into it. I really need to just burn it all. I honestly couldn’t tell you why I still have them.
Enough of that bullshit back to Sarah. If you are reading this, I’m sorry I’m such a hard person to read and if it feels like I’m dragging things out. I have nothing to say in my defense except “picapacapoopoo”.