Yeah so I had surgery, you all know that. It sucked. Not only did they cut the shit out of my hand, they cut me in three places! I had no idea going into this that I was having Carpel Tunnel surgery. I thought it was just for the cyst on the back of my hand. Quite the shocker it was when the doctor came in and marked me up in three places.
I will now tell you the rest of this story in…story format.
“Whatever” I thought, “I ‘m a man what’s a little slicing of my main vein going to do to me? I’ll just heal that shit up like I’m Wolverine. I wonder if they would put some adamantium on my bones while they are in there?” I should have asked that one.
“Castration? What? There must be some kind of mistake! I’m here for wrist surgery! He put the lines on my wrist! Not my balls!” I said with a panic.
“I know, I just like to see if people are paying attention!” Her face contorted to a smile I thought only possible in an anime.
You know how generally in all the movies and TV shows you see where they wheel the person back to the OR? Yeah that didn’t happen. I had to walk. WALK. Do they know how hard it is to carry around all this awesome all day long?
“Can you lay down right here?” said the nurse.
“On this crucifix?” I said.
“Tectonically a crucifix is a representation of the cross Jesus died on, this however would just be a cross shaped table. And since the doctor will be operating on your hand it makes sense to have it rest on a table and not your stomach. We wouldn’t want him to slip and cut your balls off.” said the castration nurse.
“Your affinity for my balls is flattery” I said cross.
“Your welcome!” Again with the wide smile.
“Hello there…uhh…John” a man says while looking at a clip board. “My name is Dr. Putyoasstosleep and I’m here to make sure your surgery goes smoothly with you firmly knocked out in la-la land. Have there ever been any complications with you or immediate family members with general anesthesia?”
“well uhm..there was thi…”
“Good! so we will proceed full force with the knock out meds and put you into a nice deep slumber. I guarantee you this will sting like someone poured hot pepper juice right into the heart of your soul!” Dr Putyoasstosleep stated with a sense of assurance I did not like.
“If brought a dream with you I would advise you to start thinking about it now. Hopefully it’s not a naughty dream ’cause this room is full of nurses who will laugh when the blanket rises. On the plus side if you have TOO good of a dream they are required to clean you up! So go big or go home.”
“Uhm..ok” I thought while also thinking my wife would rip these girls heads off if they touched my down trodder.
“Hi John! I’m Dr. Cutyoassup and I’m here to…you guessed it! Cut your ass up! Not your literal ass, only figurative. I’m not a proctologist…today. No sir, today we are here to cut your balls off!” Dr. Cutyoassup checks his chart “Whoops, I mean work on your wrist for carpel tunnel and a cyst! I’m so glad I started looking at these things before I cut!”
“Yeah, me too!”
“Goodnight, sweet prince” was the last thing I heard as I slept off into slumber land.
While a sleep I dreamed of …well nothing. I literally was talking one minute and the next I woke up in the recovery room.
I woke up in a room of dandelions and daffodils. It was like a cool spring day int he meadow just laying in the grass letting the breeze pass me by on it’s way to do the sorts of things breezes do on cool spring days. This of course is a horrible lie and in truth I awoke in a plain ‘ol recovery room. Was given some apply juice then promptly got yelled at for drinking it to fast. I do think the nurses are sadist because they tell you that you can not eat or drink, then after surgery you have one hand wrapped up and the other with an IV in it. Thus rendering your hands useless to actually get said drink or food to your mouth without it being painful and nearly pouring it all over yourself.
At this point I was ready to eat a horse and pass out. My wife came in, whisked me away to the magical land of Subway where I purchased and seemingly inhaled a foot long flat bread sammich. Then promptly wished I could sleep be instead got ready for my sons birthday party.
Below is a gallery of gruesome image taken during the surgery.