thoughts 5


on december 16th i posted this in my journal

“Time Event
6:19p
kill me please
so im sick. really sick. i dont think i have EVER been this sick in my ENTIRE life. im not hungry, i cant get warm(i have 3 shirts and a sweatshirt on, as well as 2 pairs of pants, and i was sitting with 2 large blankets over me, still cold.

then my mom forced me to eat dinner, i wasnt hungry, but she didnt listen. i start eating my green beans, and i start craying, i fight the urge to just break down, cause i know if i let it go, i will, but i dont want to do that infront of my family, id rather break down in private.

fuck this man, give me one more medicated peaceful moment, which of course that isnt working, took nyquill last night, and i was up every 15 minutes in pain. then i got up about 10, took some more nyquill, still up every 15 minutes in pain.

my back hurts ssooooooo fucking bad. my whole body aches, and my back is more of an ache, its in pain pain pain. im glad that im ahead on the strips for y2christ, cause im not getting shit done in the next few days, i know that.

im going to go now, i have to piss, and its hard to focus looking at the computer screen
j “

the next day i posted this

“12:31p
the plauge, part duex
so after my last post, i went back in the house, took my temprature and it was 103.3, went to go take a cold shower, by order of my mother, and when i got into the bathroom, everything became surreal. i started balling my head off. still dont know why. my penis looked incredibly small, where talking 3 year old small. the room was all moving around, and nothing looked like it was supposed to.

i had the shower on cold, but it still felt warm. i jsut stood in the shower, shivering even though i wasnt that cold, and crying. the whole time trying not to fall over cause the whole room was spinning. then i got out, got dressed again, sat in the chair, my mom and sister bundled me up in blankets, and the whole shower scene felt like a false memory. like it didnt happen, but i know it did.

what the hell is wrong with me?
j “

lately, i have been wanting to get this sick again. just to feel something else. i dont know what i feel right now, but i dont like it. i am happy sometimes, but then i get alone and start thinking and depress myself. its all mental i think, i really think i am doing this to myself. i think if i knew what made me that sick a year ago, i would go do it again just to feel that again.

i didnt feel good today, felt like i was going to puke. i was at the blackberry festival when this happened, working out booth. i ended up leaving at 1:00pm and letting my sister take over, then returning at 6pm to help close up. i went home to nap, and then when i awoke, i had a head ache to kill all headaches. i still sort of have it, 6 hours later, though it has simmered down.

i tried to play some city of heroes to ease my mind and ended up making things worse. oh well, so i stopped, and started watching MST3K and talking to trista, both aer very reasuring. i like that.

i think i am going to shut the fuck up and draw now.
j


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