I have a confession to make. I spend a lot of time thinking about one of my Ex-Girlfriends. Well, I don’t know if a lot is the right set of words, but I would say almost everyday she crosses my mind in some way. Trust me, it’s not the ex you think it is, I think of her just about as much as I think about amateur midget mud wrestling in Argentina. What makes it suck even more is I’m the one who fucked up the relationship, I broke up with her, broke her heart. I have regretted doing that basically since a month after I did and every since then. I sometimes stop at Fred Myer to see if she’s working so I can accidentally run into her and say hello. Last time I did this we had a great conversation, talked on the phone a little and then nothing. Again I think it was me because I believe I never called her back.
Now this girl was perfect for me, in damn near everyway, and I go and fuck it up. Why? Because I was a fucking idiot, that’s why. Honestly the reason I broke up with her was because a few others girls had crushes on me and I thought that was cool. I know, I’m fucking retarded, you don’t need to tell me. I really want to at least be her friend again, if not rekindle the relationship up, but I honestly don’t know how I can do that without seeming like that creepy ex-boyfriend who keeps coming back around to torture you.
It’s not like I sit and dwell on this mind you, its just that it seems about once a day my mind reminds me of what an idiot I am just to try and be funny. She was good for me, and good to me and I fucked it up. I always wonder what would have happened if I wouldn’t have dumped her like I id, if we would still be together three years later. I like to think that we would be since we never had any problems in our relationship, and I do mean hardly any problems ever. All we ever had was good times hanging out, watching movies, going to the park and so much sex I felt like a rabbit. Its weird how I dated her for 5 months and I still think about her almost daily three years later, yet I dated the other one for 2 ½ years and I really didn’t give a shit about her after we broke up for the most part, just cared about how she treated me more then her, since she treated me like dog shit.
On any account, I’m not sure what I am going to do, I really want to call her but I don’t think I have the courage, the stones, the testicles if you will, to actually do it. For now she will just remain the one that I let go.
For so long I just played off that Ashley was the one I was hurt over, that I thought about, that I lead on like she still mattered to me when honestly she hasn’t matter to me since the day we broke up. It’s like my relationship with her was honestly meaningless. Yeah we had fun, yeah we dated for two and a half years, but when all was said and done, I moved on. I had a new girlfriend the next fucking day, didn’t waste any time there. I think I was able to do that because we had really been broken up for a few months before it was ’official’. We hadn’t had sex in over a month, every kiss was passionless as well as meaningless. We both stopped really caring about the relationship and I started to realize how she had been treating me, well maybe realize is the wrong word, I think maybe finally accepting the fact that she was a terrible girlfriend who lied and cheated and treated me like trash. That is why it was so incredibly easy to move on to the girl should never have dumped.
The last time I talked to her she was acting (or possibly sincere) that she hardly remembers our relationship. I remember every little detail. Everything. The way she would dry her hair, the way she slept, the way she laughed when I made a stupid joke and especially the way she was a better artist then me. I remember one time I made her chowder with salmon bits sautéed in red wine and fresh bread with some nice tasting wine to drink with it, all this to eat and watch Evangalion. I remember her love for anime, and how we used to watch it together and since then I hardly watch anime anymore. I also remember the first time I went to her house to pick her up for a ‘date’ and when I got there I was early and she had just gotten out of the shower and meet me at the door in a towel. Sigh.
I don’t know how to say any of this without sounding like a complete jerk/douchebag/stalker. I wish I could just go back in time and take it back, cause I though it was a bad idea to break up with her when I did and honestly, I was pretty immature for my reasons, which really where not good reasons at all. I do have to get her credit, she did fight for the relationship to stay afloat, but I was such an idiot that I just ignored it all and tried to move on, then ended up dating a complete fruitcake after her that was even worse for me then the one before her.
You wonder why I’ve been single for three years? This is why, because I sabotage relationships, even more so when I actually care about the person.
No one should ever date me.
and thats how it is.