So this is my life.
Those who know me know part of it, but are missing a big chunk, mainly the down parts, which I will fill you in with now.
I will start with the most recent and work backwards.
Tonight, I was awoken by Mike, my sisters boyfriend of five years, at 3am because my sister was having a screaming/crying break down due to the pain in her back. Pain that has been plaguing her since August of last year. Pain which has forced her to start walking with a cane, at the age of 28.
Her screaming and crying lasted for an hour. Not that she stopped mind you, that’s just an hour she was in her severe pain here before the ambulance took her off to the hospital.
The worst part about this is I feel selfish over it. I feel selfish because there isn’t a god damned thing I can do to help her. I feel selfish over it because her life has been filled with doctors and hospitals and physical pain, where mine has been filled with…..a broken arm when I was in third grade. She is 4’11” tall where I am 6’1” tall. You see where I am going with this.
And it’s not like tonight’s pain for her is any worse than any other night, I think it has just really gotten to her. She hasn’t been able to sleep. And I mean for a long time, worse than my sleeping patterns. Imagine the worst possible pain in your back that you can. Now multiply that by 10, and imagine have that ALL THE TIME. Even when you take high quality pain killing drugs issued to you by your doctor. Imagine that if you can, and you might have a glimpse into what she is feeling.
To make this story even better, her boyfriend Mike has been bed ridden for a month with dizziness. He’s had a cat scan, they didn’t find anything, but they gave him anti-dizy medicine and it didn’t work at all. So this adds to hers, and everyone else’s stress level around here. Oh yeah, and he might have a brain tumor.
Then a few weeks before that my dad had to have surgery on his knee for an aneurysm and blood clot. Which if they hadn’t of caught it when they did he would have lost his leg. He’s recovering fine, and has quit smoking, but still a very stressful event for the family.
Before this there where many many many trips for my sister to the hospital, and what did they tell her was the cause of her crippling pain in her back? A pulled muscle. That she wasn’t walking around and exercising enough. If you know my sister then you would know that she is ALWAYS moving. She is a workaholic, and has been her entire life. We have an online store, it’s what we do for a living, and she is working from the time she gets up, to when she goes to bed.
You see, when she was 16 she had Harrington rods put into her back because of sclerosis. When she was 25 or so this doctor had the bright idea that taking them out was a good idea. My mother went through a laundry list of questions with him about taking them out. One of the big ones was: “WILL THIS CAUSE HER ANY PAIN AFTER WORDS AND WILL SHE BE ABLE TO MOVE AROUND AND FUNCTION FINE”. His answer was “Yes absolutely!”. Well Mr. Doctor, you where one hundred percent wrong. Oh, did I mention that he no longer practices around here?
December of last year my mother was diagnosed with Diabetes. Something I will probably get when I’m older. Something we just found out her father and brothers have but never bothered to tell us. She has adjusted her life to it, and I am adjusting my life to it. I figure if I’m going to become Diabetic I should get used to watching my food and sugar levels and what not now.
Going back to June-July of this year my father had 4 hear attacks in the span of a week.
Yes I said 4 in a week. I’ll give you a moment to take all that in.
Moving even further back now, my grandpa went into the hospital for his heart; they didn’t think he was going to make it. Luckily he did.
My cousin’s grandfather died.
Our business is in debt to our distributor for somewhere around $10,000.
No matter how hard we have worked here, no matter how many man hours the three of us put in (three of us being me, my sister and Mike) we can never seem to get ahead in the business. Something always comes up right when we start to show a profit, and we fall behind.
Oh yes, and in February of last year my nephew Jeremy, who I loved dearly and grew up with, took his own life.
There’s more, much more, but I figure this is enough to paint the picture to the chaos that is my life.
I know my life is not that bad. I am healthy, I don’t have any bills, I set my own hours. Yadda yadda.
But selfishly my life is a living hell. There is so much stress in my life its almost to the point of unbearable. How much am I supposed to take? How much more can I take? I honestly think I am going to break down some day because I do not know how much more bad shit I can take with my family.
Hell I have had grey hair since I was 15.
And now I am sitting here, in my room listening to music (not because I want to listen to it, just simply because I don’t want to sit in silence) and writing this up and not looking forward to when my nephew wakes up and I have to find some way to tell him that his mother was rushed away on an ambulance to the hospital and then send him off to school.
It really just upsets me that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do.
It also makes me wonder if the reason the countless doctors she has seen ‘can’t’ do anything to fix her is because we haven’t thrown enough money at them. If we where rich, and could afford to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on medical bills no sweat, would she still be in pain? Honestly I don’t think she would still have the pain if we had the money. And it upsets me that I don’t have those hundreds of thousands of dollars to help her.
I will do what I normally do when bad things happen in my life. I will occupy myself with projects that I wont finish, I will avoid sleep even more, and I will become even more of a social hermit, hide from the world and try to find ways to make my sister happy. Which are getting harder and harder to find as this back pain she has progresses worse and worse.
If I was any sort of talented I would start a benefit for her to raise money to pay for medical bills and such. If I had something to sell of mine that people would buy I would fucking whore myself out to raise the money.
I just wish there was something I could do to help her.
If you would have heard her, listened to her screaming for that hour, I don’t know. It broke my heart to stand there and listen to it, but I wouldn’t dare leave the room. This hurts me emotionally more than anything else in my life that has ever happened. This includes the whole Ashley fiasco.
Even though my sister and I argue over stupid shit a lot, I still love her. And it really pains me to see her like this. I often wish I would have been given the painful life and not her. Not that I could take it any better than her, but just so she could live pain-free, and live like a normal human.
People wonder why I live at home with my parents and sister. Well, this is your answer. I don’t dare move out, no matter how badly I want to get away, because what if something happens to her? To my dad?
Part of me wants to sell everything I own and move as far away as I can. Not to get away from my family and friends, I love them all. But to get away from all the stress and downfalls that are my life. Like if I was thousands of miles away my sisters pain would stop, yeah I know that’s not going to happen, but if I was living in England I wouldn’t have to deal with it first hand. I feel absolutely awful for thinking that. And there is no way I could actually ever just get up and move away with any loved one in that much pain, but sometimes I feel like I need to run away from everything. And I can’t.
I also think a lot about drinking myself into a stupor almost every night. Not that I even like alcohol, but it would help me sleep and might help me to think about something else for a change.
I play a lot of City of Heroes, and some people give me shit for it, but I will tell you why I really play the game. I play it because it is my only source of release from the real world and all the problems and stress that are in my family. It’s a repetitive and overall I have done almost everything there is to do in the game, but I still find solace in it.
It is now 5am and I have slept for an hour.
I am now going to go do something to try to take my mind off of this. It wont work, but I am still going to try.
~dog faced boy