Most of you have probably already come to realize this, but I have come to the realization that I am a very judgmental person. Not intentionally mind you, it’s just sort of second nature. It has no bearing on who I’m nice to or who I am mean to, I just find myself secretly judging everyone in my head. It’s weird, I wont do it at first. Someone will divulge some information to me that is of the negative nature and it wont even cross my mind twice to start picking it apart, but the second something cross happens and I feel the need to my pea sized little brain will just tear into said information like a whore on a hot dog.
I also have this appearance complex. I’m so stuck on wanting to look good and wanting people to think I look good that I never think I do look good in any way. Unless I am alone, then I stare in the mirror at myself and comment about how I’m not that bad looking and how I’m not that fat. That’s another thing about myself I don’t really like. I feel like I am really fat, I always have. It doesn’t help that I get reminded of this by friends and people all the time when they call me a giant or comment about how fucking big I am. For example, when I joined the Travel League team here Norma asked Al what size shirt I wore and he told her “uh like a triple XL or something big like that.” Honestly, that actually hurt my poor little girl feelings. I mean I wear a LARGE, not even an XL but yet he still assumed I wore a 3xl for some reason. Do I look that fucking gigantic? It’s shit like this that just makes me feel like I’m to fat for anything. This is really sounding like some pathetic girl ranting about her bulimia, but oh well.
I don’t know, I’m losing weight at a good rate right now, seeing as I was 268lbs in August and now in January I believe I am 233lbs. What I find weird about my weight loss here is that I haven’t dropped a pant size, I mean the pants I have in general fit looser and all, but I would think after losing over 30lbs you would go down a pant size. Then again it’s not like I wear a huge pant size, I wear a 38, so at best I would go down to a 36. I honestly don’t see myself ever going below a size 36, which is fine, I’m totally ok with that.
I guess when it’s all said and done it doesn’t matter how fat or skinny I am, it just matters that I can see my penis when I take a leak.