April 12th 2006 – thoughts… 6

Life…it’s interesting the things that get thrown your direction when you happen to be looking the other way. You sit around thinking that everything is somewhat okay, that you can handle what you have on your plate at the moment. Then something hits you like Muhammad Ali in the face and everything becomes blurry and you fall. This is not the story of a girl once here now gone. This is not a story of forever longing and fatefully nothing. This is the story of self awareness and self evidence of what we do that gets us into trouble. It also involves a girl.

As any of you who read this know last week I was really happy, I just started dating a girl that I had a crush on for a long time. Yadda yadda yadda, I’ll skip the pleasantries and just move on to the part where she decided she wasn’t ready for a relationship and wanted to still be friends. Ok, that’s fine I thought. Yeah it sucks, because that’s the story of my life. I find a girl, girl likes me, girl doesn’t like me, rinse and repeat. The down part was she had told a ton of people how much she liked me and told me and then bam. Again, that’s fine. She is not ready and I understand that completely. What I don’t understand is why I still agreed to move out of this place and get a place with her.

I take that back, I understand why I did it completely. She is new to the area and feels like everything in her life is fallen to pieces (as she tells me) and that one thing after another hits her and she doesn’t know how much she can take. I understand, and I am a nice guy and I want to help. Plus I still like her and in my mind I am thinking we get this place together there is a good shot we will get back together. Honestly I know this isn’t likely because if she isn’t ready right now, she won’t be ready then. She needs time to her self, time to be free. She told me this, and honestly, I have to agree with her she does need time to be free. She may not have told me directly but I know what she means is that she is not done partying and being fun and fancy free.

Now this sticks me in a rock and a hard place. Those who know me know that I am not a party type of guy. I am very laid back and stick to myself and close friends. Yes I can party like the best of them, but I decided a long time ago that it wasn’t the sort of thing I wanted to do all the time. I’m not into drugs, never done any of them. I don’t drink to often. Though in these last 10 days or so that I have been hanging out with her I have gotten drunk more then I have in the past YEAR. Getting sidetracked here, sorry. My point here is that I know for certain that I shouldn’t move out with her because of these reasons.

Let me pause one second and tell you that she is a very sweet and kind girl and I wish I could do anything for her to help her out. But as so many people have been telling me recently (people have been coming into work on their days off to tell me their concerns about what I’ve been doing) sometimes you really just need to put yourself forward on something that will end up hurting you more then helping them. And I agree with them. It just hurts me a little to not be able to help her out because I know she is going to feel down and upset with me and I really do not want that. I’ve decided that I just want to be friends with her, even though I like her I just want to be friends because I think at this point in her life that’s what she needs more then anything is friends, not some half crazed guy drooling over her like a hungry dog.

Back on topic. I’m pretty sure that if her and I did get a place I would drink more. Even though she says that I don’t have to drink with her or anything, it’s just really hard to sit around and not drink with someone. I really don’t want to take myself down that road because the chances of me becoming an alcoholic are great. I also know that I would start smoking. That’s not an I think, that’s an I KNOW I would. I grew up in a house of 6 smokers and I was the only non-smoker. All my friends smoked so I was around it all the time constantly under a barrage or cigarettes. I only smoked with I drank but damn where those ones good. And I know living with her like that would just break the camels back and put me over the edge into becoming a smoker and an alcoholic.

I would like to step back a moment and point out I’m not bitter towards her in anyway. I’m only upset with myself. I want nothing more then for her to be happy and content with her self all the while I can be somewhat happy and not so stressed out over everything. I just can’t take this much pressure on me at once. It’s not her fault I feel this overwhelmed. It’s mine, I know that. I jumped into something to fast and it blew up in my face. Now I’m stuck with the hard task of telling her I can’t move into an apartment with her. I said I would in the heat of the moment to make her happy and now I regret that. And it’s not that I lied to her about it, at the time I was fully planning on moving in with her, and part of me still wants to. But I do know that it wouldn’t work out for the best for the reasons stated above and the reason that I do still like her and that would just be to hard on me.


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6 thoughts on “April 12th 2006 – thoughts…

  • sarahrc

    Hmm…JN. I don’t understand your logic on how you are going to become a smoker and an alcoholic. Obviously you’ve been strong enough to never smoke (aside from when you drink) up until this point in your life…why not continue to be strong about in instead of just throwing in the towel way before the situation even arrives. Same thing with drinking…if you don’t want to drink that often then don’t. I don’t understand why you are just putting yourself in the mind frame that you are already going to do it. Sure, you will have temptations, but I know that you are a strong enough person to pull through them. The only thing that is going to weaken you is your mind set. Instead of going into a situation thinking that you are going to drink more and become a smoker, go into it with the mind frame that you aren’t going to do those things.

    • jhorsley3

      true, i have resisted up until now, but ive kept myself out of situations where it would be prominently in my face as well. it’s also really hard for me to just turn alcohol down, especially if i know i dont have anything to do the next day. i keep myself from self indulgance because i have convinced myself that alcohol is to expensive, which it is, and the jew in me beleives this and wont buy it. but if im around it i am going to want to drink it, and if i know i can i will.

  • The Revenge Post author

    I just wanted to point out that this post upsets me because of how freakin stupid I was. I did end up moving in with her and she was bat shit crazy and caused me a ton of stress.

    Again, this was a HORRIBLE idea.