Those who know me know that I am critical of every religion. From Buddist to Christianity to being Jewish, they are all under my firring squad. This isn’t to say I’m not a religious or spiritual person, because I do have my beliefs and I do enjoy going to church for the social and positive nature it provides (as long as the church doesn’t have an open gay bashing policy like some I’ve been to. That comment is for you, Silverdale Baptist Church).

My personal beliefs aside, the news that the good ‘ol Catholic Church is revising some things in the bible seems to me to be a bad idea. Why even bother with this? Why put money and effort into changing some things of little to no consequence? Why not put that money into bringing all the rapist priest to justice? Or into reforming the Catholic Church to, oh I don’t know, stop harboring child rapists or something. That might be a better use of the time, effort and money. (For clarification if you are Catholic more power to you, but your church protects child molesters. Do some research before you send me hate mail.)

Our Mother of Perpetual Help, a 15th Century M...

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So they decided that the Virgin Mary is no longer a virgin. That slut! I knew she was getting it on all through high school. I heard she took on all the apostles at once while Jesus was out preaching. Of course intelligent people never believed she was a virgin to begin with, only that she was born without Original Sin and the conception of Jesus was without sex, but not that she had never gotten down in her life. She was MARRIED to Joseph for Christ sake! No man of that time, or this, will be married to a woman and NOT get his nookie on the wedding night, or any other night for that matter. To believe otherwise is simply ignorant.

That being said I think the change of “Virgin” to “young lady” is completely unwarranted and not needed. Maybe simply clarify in your church sermons the truth and stop perpetuating the lie that she somehow got married to the only man in the world who wouldn’t want sex from his WIFE. EVER.

To finish the topic of the Virgin Mary, I want to point out that I understand this change is to better reflect translation of ‘almah’ from the Hebrew text, which means closer to ‘young woman’ than ‘virgin,’ my point was the rest and at this point in human evolution it doesn’t matter if it says Virgin or Young Woman.

The next thing getting the axe in the Bible (please read that word ‘bib-ly’) is the term ‘booty’, as it is being replaced by ‘spoils‘. They are doing this so new readers don’t mistake it for a nice succulent backside. As if the phrase “They collected their booty from the battle” is any different from “They collected their spoils from the battle.” Well, I guess when I re-read that ‘collecting their booty from the battle’ does make me want to chuckle. Still, bad form Catholic church.

Next they axed “cereal” and changed it to “grain.” I’ll give you that one as I don’t think they have delicious Captain Crunch in biblical times. Though if they did I’m sure it would have been the official food of Jesus.

Cover of

The only tolerable version of the Holy Bible.

They also changed the term “holocaust” to “burnt offerings.” Fair enough, at least they are not as retarded as this person.

Lastly (or at least lastly that I give a crap about reporting on) is the changing of the ode to “The Ideal Wife” was changed to “a poem the the women of worth.” Great, affirmative action hits the bible. I guess this gives Rufus a good shot and being in the next version when they make the bible more ‘racial friendly‘.

I guess the point of this article is that they shouldn’t be changing things, but more that I think the effort, time and money that surely went into this should have been placed elsewhere. These changes are insignificant and useless. These changes are not all about getting a ‘better translation’ they are more to make it pleasing. The Catholic Church is in trouble and they know it. Sadly this is not how they should be trying to get new slaves, I mean members. They should focus on creating a healthy environment that strives on the community and on accountability.

That all said, I hope in the next revision of the bible they give Jesus some farking laser eyes or ad a new book after the resurrection talking about Jesus coping with being the worlds first Zombie.