Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decedents now have white hair.
It’s an odd position I find my self in. One that I am reluctant to talk about. It is my position on myself as a father. I have been a father to two wonderful boys for the last year and a half, and I have generally enjoyed it. There are moments that I wished they would either shut up or just played in their room, but I would not ever give them up.
I sit sometimes and just think about being a father and what that means. And I often find myself amazed that I am one. Granted, I am a step father to these boys, but to them (and me) there is no difference. A big concern on my mind is if I will treat Saidey different from Jakob and Kodi. There are a couple of reasons for this, very valid ones. Such as she will be my first biological kid, and she will be my little girl. I hate that I feel guilty about being extremely excited over her birth because I can’t say ‘my first child!’ since I have two kids already. But damnit this is my first child and I want to be super excited! I want to experience my first child without guilt of “well I have two step kids so I shouldn’t make them feel left out”.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my boys and would do anything for them. I just want to be selfish and enjoy, experience and get to know my daughter on my terms. I really don’t want added pressure of anything else.
I should add that this whole rant has nothing to do with how anyone is perceiving my relationship with the boys or anything like that. This is all purely out of my head, completely stuff that I am feeling that I wanted to get off my chest. It is a weird thing to be a father though. I’m not just ‘watching the kids’ like I grew up doing with JT, I AM their parent. I HAVE to take care of them. I HAVE to provide for them. It’s nuts.